The Extraordinary Power of Cognitive Awareness

My mind thinks in systems. It likes to organize and classify. And most of the time, it goes into overdrive. But I wouldn't have it any other way because as I get more and more aware of patterns and systems, I've developed cognitive abilities that have either preserved me, given me perspective or enabled me to recognize warnings and predict outcomes. But at a minimum, a cognitive awareness of events and variables in the landscape of my life's journeyings is in and of itself an extraordinary gift.

Young people just beginning to experience independence are especially within the parameters of walking into dangerous mind traps simply because of the nature of where they are in life. Especially still very much dominant in them is the feeling of immortality and invulnerability-- traits necessary for exploration and experimentation. But cognitive abilities or the ability to step back, be aware of dangerous patterns of behaviour, models of thought or even just sudden dangerous situations we may haplessly run into are all results of a deep awareness of the empirical....to be able to see clearly despite what our appetites, passions and arrogance seem to tell us. It's a feeling that lies deep within us that needs to rise above--a spiritual connection if you will, that must override our humanness. Simple cognitive errors can lead to disastrous consequences unless you know how to watch out for them. But how can one even be aware of these errors? Well, just KNOWING about them is the beginning.

WATCH FOR PATTERNS

There is great value in learning to see patterns and then gathering information deduced from seeing these patterns. But of even greater value is the ability to apply these new information to circumstances or experiences different from when the information was first presented. It's easy to see patterns of behaviour in others as we observe and relate to other people. But it's difficult to catch ourselves when we are trapped in a dangerous pattern of thought and behaviour. And even after we've caught ourselves and the patterns become perceivable, the biggest conundrum is the overwhelming realization that replacing a learned behaviour with a better one is even more complicated and challenging especially when our experiences  don't provide us with a repertoire of choices. 

Being a parent offers me a ring-side seat to seeing how patterns of habit and thought shape the personalities of my children. The younger they are, the easier it was to control their behaviour and environment.  But as they got older, some patterns simply rose to the surface to make them who they are. And often, I can see how they use these patterns to their advantage..... and sometimes it is a frustrating, brutal experience to watch them use these patterns of thought and behaviour to their disadvantage. How do you warn yourself when what strengthens you becomes what weakens you?

It took me many years before I figured out a pattern of thought and behaviour that was destructive to my social life. Because of growing up in a severely dysfunctional home, I felt like the most misunderstood person in the world. But it wasn't until I was on an LDS mission that I was jarred to reflect and step back and "see". My companion told me that I was "the most selfish, arrogant person" she had ever met. It caused me to step back. She was right. As I began to 'step back' I caught myself caught in this deadly mind trap: thinking and focusing on the idea that I was unjustly misunderstood. The fact of the matter was, I was just too busy feeling sorry for myself that I had no time to 'see' other people. And what patterns of behaviour did I catch myself doing? Initially, I caught myself in conversations often talking about myself and making everything be about myself. I caught myself thinking that perhaps if I can relate myself to whatever it was everybody was talking about, I can be better appreciated. I was caught in a dangerous mindtrap. In trying to FOCUS on overcoming my insecurity, I was actually sabotaging my relationships with others. I caught myself using the words "I, me, my" in every sentence. I caught myself never saying 'thank you' when complimented because I was trying to be 'humble'. In seeing these patterns, I was able to step back and analyze WHY I was behaving in a way that was not to my advantage. Yes, I am a sensitive, tender person. That's one edge of the sword. But I was also too focused on me. That's the other edge of the sword.

Scott Showalter, a Mennonite dairy farmer was transferring manure from a small pit to a larger pit--a task he had done many times. When he realized that the pipes were clogged, he decided to climb down the pit to try and unclog it. Unfortunately, there was poor ventilation and a lot of deadly, odorless methane gas in the pit. Scott lost consciousness...but not before alerting his assistant who began shouting and alerting Scott's wife and two daughters, 9 and 11. First, his assistant Amous, tried to get in to pull him out but quickly succumbed. Then, Scott's wife got in. Then her two daughters. In the end, all five died and nothing could be done to help them.

Sometimes, we are oblivious to these types of domino-effect patterns--in for example, choosing our friends and associates or who we date or the relationships we choose. Sometimes, the results merely bash our egos. But often enough, the penalties can be stiff and far-reaching. How many more people do we need to watch fall into the pits of bad choices before we learn from their errors? And those of us who survive the pit, how much effort can we expend to warn others?

Seeing and watching for patterns is a cognitive function that we all need to hone constantly and vigilantly.

Perhaps the most important decision we will make in our young lives is the choosing of an eternal companion. Watching for patterns and then applying what you learn becomes critical. For example, the early stage of a relationship is marked by very intense attraction and infatuation. We feel something organic and chemical in our physical bodies. There are butterflies afluttering in our tummies and at times we find it difficult to sleep from the excitement of anticipation of what the next day would bring when you see your beloved again. This is the time when couples overestimate their similarities and affections. Scientists suggest that this period lasts from 9 months to a couple of years. It's all biochemical. The pleasure one feels from this period of attraction is similar to the unsustainable highs one can get from a cocaine snort. How can one step back from these natural perceptions when we are in the throes of making the most important decision of our lives?

Again, it's understanding the information one can get from patterns and then applying this knowledge to new environments in our life that empowers us. This very important stage of a relationship also is the reason why our expectations don't match up. We overestimate our partner's great qualities and want our romance to continue forever. But life's events cannot sustain the unsustainable and we are left to question our choices. BYU culture in this case tends to work against us because our fear of committing moral errors take precedence over the advantage of time, distance and even some healthy separation to tone down the intense infatuation and let life settle in....let the high come down. If we understand these patterns, we can begin to step back and analyze more carefully our situation and realize that there are choices that we never considered when fear and limitations of understanding clouded our vision.


What I want to underscore here is that when we finally seek for answers and desire to replace a learned behaviour with a better one, it is logical that the Spirit will inspire us to do something entirely foreign and sometimes even diametrically opposed to what we perceive our personality can even reach out and accomplish. We may find ourselves questioning the quiet but indubitable whisperings of the Spirit with responses ranging from "I can't do that!" or "I don't feel comfortable doing that" to "No way, I don't want to do that!". The irony of the matter is, if everything were to remain status quo and there is no need for change, the Spirit would have no need to give us instructions. But often, we do receive them in concert with our desire to conform, improve and become more like the Saviour.

SITUATIONAL BLINDNESS

On a trip to Wisconsin, Kurt and I had to rent a car to make a 30 mile drive to a resort in Lake Geneva. Between the two of us, we had 4 different GPS systems--our cell phones, our iPad and the Nuvi. Yet each system had different routes and platforms and I quickly decided that my own Droid cellphone offered the best of both. The drive was easy until we reached the last several miles. The GPS did not match what we were seeing and so we missed the turn. Not to be deterred, Kurt quickly made an assessment of where we were (which took about 2 seconds...), turned around, nixed the GPS and got us where we needed to go. It quickly dawned on me not just how helpless I would have been had I been alone and on the wheel but I also became aware of the panic that I would have felt feeling lost. That is a very good description of situational blindness---when reality does not match your own expectations of what's real to you. It's the failure to remain AWARE of your environment---when the error is perceptual. 

Reality is very fluid and limited to one's own belief structure and experiences. "We see the world not as it is, but as we are." (Talmud) and all that line of thought has a lot of truth. And if we are to see the world as best as we can, we need to be the best we can be. And since we can only control ourselves; how we react to our environment and events, we need to always be vigilant...always asking questions. Always alert to subtle changes in the atmosphere of our spiritual domain. The better we are communing with the powers that provide us light and intelligence, the brighter and clearer our perceptions will be of ourselves and how we relate to the world around us.

My HS friend loves her GPS system and uses it constantly. But sometimes travelers can follow their own devices blindly and wind up getting lost because they fail to assess what's outside of themselves, relying solely on their own devices! It's more than just a pun. This situation is just a scale model of a larger environment which is everything--our lives! If we are faithful in desiring more light and knowledge through obedience and gratitude, we become teachable.

A grateful heart packs a huge arsenal of power and defense against the pride that blinds us. Pride is the primary cause of situational blindness and we need to guard against it by always being grateful--not just in our prayers but in the way we treat our family and loved ones. After all, we will be organized as families in the Celestial Kingdom. And families are again, the best scale model of what an exalted life is all about.

CALCULATE YOUR RISKS VERY WISELY

Five days before Christmas in 1987, tragedy struck when the MV Doña Paz, a ferry transporting passengers from Manila, Philippines to the island of Samar crashed into an oil tanker loaded with over 8,000 barrels of petroleum. The ferry sank within minutes giving the doomed passengers no time to even launch the lifeboats. 

Painted on the ferry as one climbed aboard are the words: maximum capacity: 1500 people. If one were to line up to board the doomed boat, it would have been easy to calculate that there were easily double that number of people already on board. But Christmas was upon them and many passengers were anxious to get to their destinations. So they took a chance. It's possible that some people did not see those words. Nor could read at all. It's also very possible that for some people, this was just another trip as usual--taking on more people than the capacity--nothing ever happened before, why should anything happen now? But for those who can calculate---would you have continued to board the ferry knowing it was over capacity? Over 4,000 people did not make that calculation.  Or perhaps did not care to do so because they were too focused on getting home. Or perhaps because they could not bear to even consider missing another day without their families. And finally, when circumstances become dire and we cannot get off the 'ferry', do we at least have our life jackets on like having the whole armour of God on us at all times? Or figure out an escape plan; place ourselves in strategic spots on the ferry that may allow for escape? Nevertheless, over 4,000 souls were lost within minutes five days before Christmas. 

I wonder how many times our emotions have ruled over what we know such that we take such careless risks? Sometimes we are so focused on worrying about what could be---what we don't know---how we'll never know if we don't take a risk. But as I go through life, I realize that there are more and more things that I wanted to know but will never know. And I don't care because I'm happy. Sometimes we are afraid that if we don't pursue something, we may never know if that would have been better than what we know is ahead. Life is full of detours, delays and temptations that derail us. But what I've learned as I've aged and experienced life is that many times, we need to focus on what we know rather than what we don't know. There is so much about what we know that we don't know and appreciate-- we really don't have time to worry about what we don't know. To those who were about to board the ferry, what they knew and could already see--that the boat was already beyond filled to capacity was more important than what they didn't know---which is what would happen if they miss the ferry. But they did not realize that in time.

When we get the chance to go to the sacred grove, we wonder if this was really where it happened. Or whether that tomb in Jerusalem was really where Jesus lay for three days. Or which route did Lehi take to cross the ocean...or where Zarahemla really is. We don't know. But we know a lot....enough to become what God intends us to become. We know enough. So don't let your emotions tell you otherwise. Knowing is better than risking. To obey is better than to sacrifice. Do not risk losing what has been proven and tried for something that is fleeting.

KEEP YOUR FEET FIRMLY PLANTED ON THE GROUND!

I like Napa Valley and Dad and I stayed in a very nice Bed & Breakfast in a little town called Yountville. But in 2003, a very tragic accident happened there.

A 33-year-old Scotsman named Brian Stevenson was among a group of businessmen scheduled to take hot balloon rides. It was a very windy and foggy day so much of their hot balloon experience involved taking pictures from 100 feet in smaller balloons tethered to the ground. Later, a larger balloon was getting ready to give them a ride again, whilst tethered to the ground. But for some reason, perhaps to give the four crew members some assistance, Brian held on to the railing on the bottom of the basket as it was being raised 5 to 6 feet from the ground via hot air from burners. The balloon was NOT tethered to the ground...perhaps unbeknownst to Brian. Within seconds, the balloon lifted up first 50 feet. Then 100. Brian held on. People from the ground began yelling at the captain who was in the basket oblivious to Brian who was barely now hanging on to the bottom of the basket. The burners were just too loud for her to hear the commotion. At about 300 feet, Stevenson let go of the gondola. Or rather, the gondola released him to his death. It was instant.

I wonder what one would have been thinking when the balloon was at about 10-15 feet. "No big deal, I'll just wait until the balloon comes down coz it probably will come down...."? Or at 50 feet: "If I jump, I'd probably break both legs..."? And at 100 feet..."I'd probably break my back and become paralyzed..."? But at 300 feet and fingers already weakened, and at that instant when he knew he could no longer hold on, did he know there would be no other outcome? It's just deadly logic to think that when the balloon starts to go up that it will eventually come down and we can gamble on hanging on. Or when it gets overwhelming, we can just go into denial and let fate decide the outcome for us.

The runaway balloon is a scale model of miscalculated assessments of our risks and rewards. This is why experienced ballooners have a creed that they adhere to: KEEP BOTH FEET FIRMLY PLANTED ON THE GROUND.

When the last Czar of Russia was crowned, there was a great number of festivities and it was announced that a banquet was being prepared for the people of Moscow. On the eve of the banquet, nearly 5,000 people began to gather. First there was rumour that there would be extravagant gifts for everyone which caused much excitement and anticipation. Then, without explanation as to its cause or source, word began to spread that there would not be enough gifts for everybody--which is when panic set in and a stampede of completely irrational people rushing in frenzied anticipation trampled or suffocated to death over 1300 people.  There were not even enough coffins in the great city of Moscow for all its dead. Did the reward merit these deaths? They had no idea that what they anticipated as priceless gifts would comprise of a roll of bread, a slice of gingerbread, a piece of sausage and a commemorative mug. Being in a crowd of people who have the same desires and expectations effect changes in us. There is a certain culture in a group; a set of dynamics that most of us don't even consider. And it is easy to be swayed and emboldened. We must be aware that this can be akin to a hot air balloon that can carry us to places we don't really want to go. So we need to keep both feet on the ground and hold on to what we know is right.

DRAW A LINE AND DO NOT CROSS IT

Most people ask me what I teach my children regarding modesty and morality. It's a sticky subject because no one can really articulate in detailed, unequivocal terms where the line is that should not be crossed. All I can do is educate them in frank terms and then let them draw that line for themselves and have faith that they will not cross it.

In May of 1996, Jon Krakauer, a journalist on assignment for Outside magazine, joined a group headed by Rob Hall, co-founder of an expedition guiding company called Adventure Consultants, to climb Mount Everest. In this particular expedition, Rob Hall was joined by two other guides who were to aid 8 climbers of varying experiences to the summit. Each of the 7 climbers paid Hall's company $65,000. Krakauer paid only part of the cost of the adventure in exchange for an ad and coverage in his magazine. With their group were 7 Sherpas, ethnic Nepalese famed for their endurance, cheerful dispositions and superior ability to survive the mountain's harsh conditions. Eight people would not complete the trek in tragic ways--4 of them from Hall's expedition including Hall himself, another guide and 2 of their clients. In fact, 1996 would become the deadliest single year in Everest's history when a total of 15 people would perish in vain attempts to reach the summit. The outcome was totally unnecessary. 

There were several factors that contributed to this 'perfect storm'. One was indeed the freak weather that day when oxygen levels dropped to 14%. Another was the sheer number of climbers on this day causing 'traffic' to bottleneck at certain points of the climb. But the one HUGE factor that was easily controllable was the turn-around time. Hall knew and usually followed his own cardinal rule; his own redline: turn around and descend at 2:00pm. Despite the foreboding weather and the obvious delays, Hall made an exception. It would seem that the factors for this fatal exception were exploitative as reported by Krakauer himself. First, psychologically, Hall was competing with another expedition headed by a group called Mountain Madness whose guide, Scott Fischer also met his fatal end. Second, the presence of Krakauer himself added to the pressure to make the exception--the opportunity of a prominent story printed on a prestigious magazine was just too tempting to pass on. Third, the pressure from the clients themselves who had paid Hall a higher price for his expertise and reputation. All these factors pressured Hall to break his own rule, crossing his own redline. By the time the last client reached the summit, the weather had already begun to turn. The outcome was already set in place. 

Crossing a line is a dangerous proposition. The biggest problem one encounters after crossing a line is the sheer magnitude of the landscape past the line--there are no more designated lines to warn us of danger and all that is left to do is to improvise. The risk of error is high. That is why going on a 'diet' is self-sabotaging because we keep on crossing lines. As soon as I put a cookie in my mouth, I get off the wagon and I don't know if I will have the will to even climb back on. 

In the first chapter of James, we learn much about wavering and going to and fro. 

But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord.A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways.

Once we KNOW what to do, we cannot waver because to do so is to cross the line into unknown territory: the territory of disobedience and pride. There is no light and understanding there....only confusion. 

Simple cognitive errors can lead to disastrous consequences unless you know how to watch out for them. The ability to even stop and consider is a skill that requires us to slow down, step back and patiently assess, ponder and listen. And as we journey through life's road the Lord sometimes sends wise servants to traverse back on already traveled roads just to guide and warn those who have yet to travel through. 

These thoughts have been on my mind for a very long time and it's about time that I made an attempt to articulate and share them with the hope and desire that my children can benefit from my thoughts and ponderings. I hope that we keep our feet firmly planted to the ground and that we don't allow the 'gondolas' and 'hot air balloons' of life to pull us away untethered to all things true. I hope that when we receive or see warning signs, we will not get on the 'ferry' carelessly assuming that 'nothing bad will happen because "we got away with it before". I hope that we set our sights on the real rewards--the visions we can see by the gift and power of the Holy Ghost--a vision of hope in the power of the atonement and what we can become. I hope that we never cross the lines we draw and that if we are ever compelled to make exceptions that we already have the whole armour of God on us. I hope that we don't succumb to the pit as we carelessly or even haplessly fail to take a moment to assess our situation; that we don't follow others just because we think nothing bad can happen to us--because our egos won't allow us clarity to see reality and not our own self-centered perceptions. Cognitive errors are all around us and the hope is that we limit the risk of making egregious mistakes that can complicate our lives or limit our choices by learning to take stock and stepping back to assess our lives, our thought patterns, our behaviour, our priorities and our relationships. This is my warning as well as my counsel as one who has, in varying stages, witnessed or experienced these errors.

We often hear endless rhetoric about following the Spirit and holding on to the rod. But my goal here is to articulate concepts and details that are ever so subtle and invisible to many young people; in fact to many people at large. These are things that are all too often not discussed in an organized, meaningful way. I feel that I have been blessed with a rich heritage and according to my patriarchal blessing, "a good mind" and the Lord expects many good things from me. If I can warn and counsel my children so that their lives may be improved, then I feel that that is a huge, good thing. Be aware and constantly vigilant. Always step back to assess your environment. And always, always-- use the power of the Atonement to fix and elevate your circumstances. That is why He died for us. That is why His love is perfect....and why it is this love that perfects us. Keep your spirit empowered and fueled by the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. And just to be real, keep your mind enlightened by knowledge and the brightness of hope. KNOW these things well. LEARN these things well. And SEE.

Being Old Is Better Than You Think

Jan 12, 2012--- 56 years old

I feel that I've reached an age that's perfect in every way. I know I am closer to 60 but I still feel firmly planted on family, children, work and many other projects that I feel I've always wanted to accomplish. I still feel like some of my dreams and hopes can be fulfilled. I still feel strong and healthy. On the other hand, I am equally aware that the balance of my earthly life is way past the half-way mark and that every day is now a gift. I am aware that with my genetic disadvantages starting with hypertension & diabetes (syndrome X) and type-A personality that seems to thrive on stress and worry-- all enemies of syndrome X-- my lifespan is compromised and I am like a ticking bomb just waiting for that perfect storm that can either have me debilitated or end my life. So while I feel vibrant and positive, I am also sobered by a sense of foreboding mortality and the inevitable. And it feels good to be still able to look forward to many great accomplishments and lessons. And it feels great to be able to have an even longer dossier of experiences and journeys that empowers me to face challenges.

I don't know how long this great balance is going to last but I am grateful for every, single day. I am also mindful that my completion is my best friend and husband and waking up together every single day is the greatest blessing of all. I am also aware that one day, one of us will lose the other in this earthly life. It is an inevitable event---unless we get the blessing of going together.

So it is a blessed time for me to prepare and make sure that everything is in order. Preparation allows me the luxury of comfort and gives me all the excuse to go forward with life.

I don't know how I am going to bequeath to my children all the benefit of my experiences. But I hope that they also understand that their parents will not always be there and that they need to have the zeal to find out for themselves who their parents really are and seek advise and counsel.

The road of life is not at all different for everyone. The roles, characters, stage or environment will all be different. But the principles that will allow success are all the same. And the pitfalls that paralyze us or the deceptions that divert us from our potential are all the same. Truth and light are universal. And as I age, all the familiar tricks and pitfalls become more visible. They become like the dangerous friends we used to keep in our young rebellious days--we recognize them and from our lessons past, avoid them. And when we see their faces in our children's eyes, we get in battle mode and try our very best to save them from unnecessary harm and detours. We warn, we guide, we become vigilant. And as we journey on and our influence is no longer wanted because of our age, we try to find joy in knowing what we know as we watch the young make the same unnecessary mistakes that we no longer have the energy to warn them about. Instead, I hope that I will just continue playing cards or hopefully, writing about love, life and my labours.

Seeing With Your Eyes

Magic Eye pictures are fun to look at. You can spot 3D images in what looks like busy printed pictures. It takes time to get your eyes used to the method of seeing the images. And as you begin to 'see' the 3D renditions, a thrill sets in and the further back you look at the print, the object has more depth and sharpness to it. Suddenly, you have a little something that others can't see until they themselves learn how to 'see' through the print. It's magical.

My daughter recently, in a blaze of frustration, asked me why it is that she can't see what I see. She said that she wishes she could have the same conviction about the things I see. I often ponder about that exchange and it somehow disturbs me. The context of the conversation is more complex than I am willing to describe but today a thought just ran into my head.

Lehi was a 'visionary man'. I've always thought that people could see things that I could see. Many times I'll see people and I'd see the 'insides' of them....like I can see what they are hiding and what they really are. Many times I can 'see' what is going to happen or feel something that would indicate a warning to me or for others. Many times the things I 'see' are inexplicable until some time later when things begin to unfold. And still many times, I'd 'hear' a voice or see 'text' or words in my head that instruct me on what to do. Many times these things are random. But these feelings and vistas have always helped me and at times, saved me from danger. So I rely on them and know that I should take them seriously. I don't purport to be like Lehi. But I always thought that others experience the same things I experience. That is, until my husband pointed out to me that I'm the only one he knows who can do that. A gift perhaps?

Laman and Lemuel, the sons of Lehi, murmured endless about their visionary father. That's because they can't 'see' what he sees. Now I don't particularly think that they were completely evil at first. I mean, they did follow their father into the wilderness and then across the wide ocean. They did go back to Jerusalem as told to complete a task or two. I am sure that while living in Jerusalem that they went to their synagogues and tried to live their lives according to the laws. And I do believe that they were at least worthy to be saved and given the privilege to live and prosper in a new land. They probably would have done their home teaching, passed the sacrament, taught Sunday School and their priesthood duties. And for sure, they did most of what their father asked. But still, they could not 'see' what their father saw.

I think that sometimes, as children, there will be times when we cannot see what our parents see. But if, like Nephi, we are born of goodly parents (not perfect....but good...), we may have to believe what they see and heed their counsel. Especially when they feel strongly about things.

When I was almost 19, my mother had a dream. She dreamed that our family crossed a wide body of water and when they reached the other side, I was missing and had been left behind. It scared her so much that she immediately came into my room, roused me awake and told me the dream. Initially, her conviction and emotion scared me. She told me that I had progressed as far as I can within the church and that I needed to go to BYU. Now, I had applied to BYU-Hawaii 2 years previously and received a letter from the dean asking me to reappy when I turned 18. At that point, I decided not to do so. I was happily attending the University of the Philippines as a partial scholar, about to be initiated into a sorority and active in political groups. I also had a boyfriend. I attended church and did everything I was supposed to do as an LDS young woman. But I also did others that were deceitful. I knew it.

My boyfriend was my escape from all the burden and responsibilities that weighed so heavily on me. And I felt that no one really understood me, loved me as freely and appreciated me as much as he did. My whole world seemed to encompass his. And I had this relationship behind my parent's back. He was a good man. He went to an exclusive private college. He had pedigree. He drove a nice orange model T that was his pride. He was smart and talented and worked providing voice-overs-- dubbing HongKong made kung-fu movies into English. He was a catch. And he was crazy about me. Leaving him was not an option.

There were many confrontations with my parents regarding him. He was not LDS. He smoked and drank. But other than that, he was perfect. I could not 'see' what my parents were seeing about him. I could not see why they were upset about him. I thought our confrontations were about him and their prejudice against non-LDS people and because he was not what they wanted for me. My father would constantly tell me that he was not what he 'saw' in his head for me. How can he 'see' what I can't see?

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The above confrontations would replay two years later. I had done EVERYTHING my parents wanted me to do. I reluctantly left my beloved University, my boyfriend, my sorority, my gang, my charmed life in Manila to attend BYU-Hawaii. One day, feeling particularly lonely, I prayed to God to 'please give me someone to love.' That afternoon, I met Tom. He was also non-LDS. But I would fall helplessly inlove with him and he with me. He would propose to me many times and what pushed me to accept was another confrontation with my father.

My papa was visiting Hawaii from attending Stake Conference in Utah. He found out about Tom. We had a huge confrontation ending with him disowning me. ("You are dead to me.") He told me that this was not what he 'saw' in his head for me. He told me I was worth more than this. He told me that I was not in any position to make 'inspired' decisions because of the life I was living. How dare he judge me? I was living a good life. I attended church, I performed my callings, I worked 20 hours a week and carried a load of classes. But inside me, I KNEW he was right. But how dare he anyway? That's when I decided I would marry Tom. Because he was the only one who understood me and with him, I felt happy and free. And if he's a good man, which he is, surely one day he will be baptized and marry me in the temple. It's not a risk if he's a good man who fears God. And he did. No one can judge that. Not even my father who does not even know him. I am the only one who can make that determination.

How wrong I was. And my father was right. I did not marry Tom. Later, I would choose to serve a mission. My father 'saw' in his head that I was supposed to serve a mission and so I did. It was a very wise decision. My father was not always a good father. But when he was, he was very, very wonderful. And despite his many faults, he still received inspiration for my benefit and empowerment. Such is the case because though he was flawed, his love for me was real and deep. He still saw and knew things in my behalf.

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If Laman and Lemuel were not so bad and had the priesthood and if they did all that they were asked to do; some even very difficult tasks, why then could they not be given the same vision and signs that their father saw so they can know for a surety regarding their fate? Obviously their attitudes were problematic and became worse as time went by. But there are many times when we don't see what our parents see for us and we'd rather not do as they counsel because we think we know better. We think we are entitled to 'see' as they see.

God sees what is good and knows the path that we should follow. He knows our potential and knows what we should be doing. And yet, over and over we do not 'see' what he sees either. We continue to wander and err thinking that its much better to experience sorrow for ourselves so we can know joy better--not realizing that earthly life comes packaged with sorrows and challenges anyway and that we don't need to complicate matters by actively taking unnecessary risks. I think that is why we have righteous parents. If you are born of goodly parents, thank your God continuously.

As parents it is a great challenge to know how to act when a child willingly enters a moving train that is about to wreck. The child thinks it's exciting and nothing can hurt him. But as parents we know better because we know where the destination is. Do we chase the train and drag him off of it as he thrashes, curses and hates us, inflicting pain and defiance as we do so? While there's still time to save him? Or do we watch and wait until the train crashes and then with crushed hearts and bowed heads try and pick up the pieces and hopefully put them back together? Should we fight with all our might? Or harden our hearts and allow the terrible end to happen? I don't know the answers.

Of Birds and Signs

It must be my culture. From the time I can remember, I've always looked for signs. Not for signs that God exists. I do not need a sign for that because that knowledge is already etched in my heart. Nor do I need signs to believe that He loves me because all I have to do is look around. The very fact that I am alive is sign enough that He has allowed me to be on this earth. I do not need a sign to know that Jesus is the Messiah. My faith alone tells me that He is real and I endeavor to strengthen my understanding of His atonement and works through careful and consistent study of the scriptures and a personal relationship with my Heavenly Father through earnest and meaningful prayers.

But I can't help but see signs of His enduring love and tender mercies. And I also sometimes see signs and manifestations that give me comfort and reassurance that He is in the details. And many times, I also see signs just to light up the way for me especially when I'm worn down or discouraged.

I've written my thoughts regarding this matter many times. Here, here and here.

Yesterday was a particularly difficult day for me. I was alone on a Sunday morning getting ready for church. I had barely slept the night filled with doubt and worry again about many things. I was second guessing the things that I thought I knew....the things that I thought I had seen in my head. And my heart was also heavy from the events of last week....events that sparked doubts in me.

As I walked to my car to drive myself to church, I was talking to God as is my wont when I am alone. I was telling Him that I really needed my eyes opened...I needed some reassurance so I can see again 'far off'.  Then I told myself that everything will be alright---something I've always done from the time I was little.

Later that night, my husband came home from yet another meeting with a story---a story of an improbable coincidence. And a double coincidence. To me, it was not a coincidence but a sign! It was a sign that God is yet again in the details and that He orchestrates amazing things of order.

This event is not a rare event in my life. There are a myriad of such divine synchronicities that fill my heart with indescribable brightness.

No, I am not a sign-seeker. But I am hoping that my faith and belief in a God whose wondrous manifestations of love and His guiding hand are strong enough so that these events are possible. I plead for His help especially for my family and He never lets me down. He is always consistently there for me.

And he that seeketh signs shall see signs, but not unto salvation. Verily, I say unto you, there are those among you who seek signs, and there have been such even from the beginning; But, behold, faith cometh not by signs, but signs follow those that believe. Yea,  signs come by faith, not by the will of men, nor as they please, but by the will of God. Yea, signs come by faith, unto mighty works, for without faith no man pleaseth God; and with whom God is angry he is not well pleased; wherefore, unto such he showeth no signs, only in wrath unto their condemnation. Wherefore, I, the Lord, am not pleased with those among you who have sought after signs and wonders for faith, and not for the good of men unto my glory. (D&C 6:7-12)

 *************

Many years ago, I rested my head against the window of the jet that was to take me back to BYU-Hawaii. I had been in Manila for a few weeks after I had been released from serving a mission in Spain. Those were turbulent weeks filled with strife and stress. My father was on a rampage practically every day, yelling at me and belittling me.  It was all confusing. I had been living in a home filled with strife and confusion, duplicity and harm for so many years. And for many years, I waited to grow up so I can take care of myself and take me away from the confusion and darkness of this life I've known. But while I patiently waited to grow up, I knew that God would take care of me. It was a very long and difficult road full of mistakes and errors, challenges and renewals. But patiently, I waited for that time. I was all of 24.

I was in tears as I sat on my airplane seat. I did not mind that the other passengers could see me crying. There were others crying also....obviously because they were sad to leave the homeland. But I was crying because of sadness and isolation. I was relieved to be going back to Hawaii but also full of trepidation about my future. I had no idea what I was going to do when I graduate. I did not want to go back to my home country. But I had no idea how I was going to stay in America without a visa other than a student visa. I had no idea how I was going to find work. I had no idea what lay ahead. But deep inside me I knew that where I was going was where I needed to be. And I kept on praying to God for some enlightenment, some reassurance that all will be well. 

As the plane began to taxi on the tarmac, I looked outside the window. It was a warm, humid afternoon. Suddenly, a flock of white birds from the front of the plane gracefully and beautifully glided upwards against the billowy clouds towards the opposite direction we were going. They were so free and happy. My heart began to flutter as a sudden realization clearly and indubitably entered my mind--words that told me that God sent me the birds as a sign to me; to tell me that I am free. That never again will I set foot on this land alone. That never again will I live on this land again. My tears turned to tears of joy. I still did not know how that was going to happen but I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord will make it happen for me. I had a clear reassurance that I was going to a new home. And I had a sign.

That was May of 1980. In June of 1981, I married my best friend and sweetheart for time and all eternity. And I have never again returned to my homeland to live there but only for brief visits. The Lord had taken me to a new land, a new life...and allowed me to do a mighty work. I am a wife and mother in a new land, new culture, new language. And I do this with many gifts that He has entrusted me with. I am grateful. So very grateful. The challenges are still mighty. And sometimes, I wish that my children would fully appreciate that because He has placed me deliberately on new grounds that I am as much a gift to them as they are to me. I am not just their mother, I am deliberately their mother.

There are signs all around us that testify of His love and caring. And I am still privy to many manifestations of this love. His works are wondrous and mighty. And I am humbled that He would send me signs and wonders that ease my heart when I feel spent and worn. He continues to lift me up. And never, ever has He forsaken me.

The Almost Necessary Arrogance of Youth

56 Years on Earth

It has been said that young people feel that they are invincible for a reason: so the men can go to war and the women can have no fear flirting with death every time they have babies. Millions of years have passed since the dawn of man and we still retain our 'flight or fight' instincts from the days when we were close to the biological food chain. I am surprised that no monkeys have been born to humans as of yet. But cheekiness aside...

For generations, the arrogance of youth has served us all well. It is what pushed me to be fearless about adventure and risks. And it is this same arrogance that I now seem to lack as I age. Now I fear making mistakes. I fear taking risks. I feel vulnerable. I feel very mortal. This same lack is what propels me to floss my teeth, obey the rules of the road, obsess over every detail of trips I now plan way in advance, save more money, choose the company I keep more discriminately and choose my battles very carefully....that is, if I even choose to battle anything at all. The necessary arrogance of my youth is now just a shadow that trails behind me. And as I move into the second half of my 50s, I now realize that the things my elders told me and warned me about are true. There is nothing more annoying than to admit that they were all right. And I have to admit that being rebellious and contrary have suddenly become totally unnecessary when these lessons are learned. I have become part of the 'establishment'. Yeah. Me-- the one who marched in protest against government, the one who threw caution to the wind far too many times, the one who didn't think anything of skinny dipping in the moonlight....the one who can fearlessly saunter into a smoky jazz lounge just to listen to music alone and broke wearing a hot, backless summer dress. The one who thought that love and romance were worth the pain. That was me with all the necessary arrogance of youth. And now that I am old, my own children think that I cannot relate to their need for risk-taking. And yet, in my waning years, I cannot help but sound a warning bell-- to raise several red flags along the way for the generations ahead. Because even in youth, one can learn lessons well. I know so.

So. Hold on tight because I am going to tell you, young people, where the pitfalls are so that the road you take will be further than the road I've taken. So that you can climb higher than I've climbed. So that you can enjoy life as it ebbs and flows. Youth, after all, ends quickly. Here now are some of the myths that arrogance made me believe were true.... and unfortunately just made good lyrics for a song or two.

1. Follow your heart and do what makes you happy.

My mother told me that the heart is a poor judge. She was right. It is important that things follow a certain order....certain rules and principles of truth. Even the scriptures say that the Spirit will tell us in our MINDS and in our hearts. I don't think it's a coincidence that it starts in our minds. Both must work together. I do agree that many times, we don't need a thorough, detailed or deep understanding but our minds will also tell us that and we will be aware of its finite nature. Happiness is so fleeting and sometimes, doing the right thing doesn't necessarily bring us immediate 'happiness' but rather, a calm and reassuring feeling. Some of us equate happiness with 'fun'. And that's where many problems begin. In the end, what is right and logical simply has to tip the scale. Sometimes, we don't even think it out before making a decision thinking that the Lord will simply give us a pat answer. Many times we have to wrestle like Enos. Or simply humble ourselves and repent. In any case, to be happy is a decision we make. And wickedness never was happiness. So instead of adhering to this myth, I'd like to say that my mother was right: USE YOUR HEAD. Choose wisely. Make decisions deliberately and with much study.

2. You can't help who you fall inlove with. (Or, love just happens...)

This is probably the biggest crock of all time. Yes, there is attraction. Yes it can be strong. Yes it can drive you nuts. Yes it is exciting and thrilling. I am the biggest romantic of all time. I have been swept away with candles and music. And I know what its like to walk into a room and feel the electricity as men turned their heads towards me. And I know what its like to be wooed over and over. Oh the drama. I loved every second of it. The thrill of it all. I was addicted to all of this. Yes, I was a serial romantic. Engaged over and over. And fallen inlove so many times. It is ADDICTIVE. And to most LDS youth, because of our high moral standards, this is where couples usually are when they decide to marry---at the apex of the thrill. Then a new thrill happens; the thrill of wedding preparations. There simply is no time to get back down to earth. Over and over I've seen this happen at BYU. And as the decades have unfolded, I've also seen the results. It is so rare to have a relationship or courtship that lasts a long time....that stands the test of time. This is the norm where I come from---not the fast paced thrill of BYU culture. I think that courtship must involve time. Sometimes, some distance. And if you're lucky, some challenges. And then, a little bit more time for the thrill to subside and real life to occur. And then when things become normal and loving someone becomes more of a choice and a familiarity ensues, we begin to feel like we're 'home'. That's when love really begins. And if you're lucky, you get to marry your best friend.

3. A relationship should be 50-50. (Or its close cousin, "You have to give it 110%")

As soon as someone comes up with a way to calibrate this, I'll consider its veracity. It sounds good and again its only value is that it makes for a good country song. But my Papa used to tell me that I should marry the man who loves me MORE than I love him. I often scoffed at him when he'd recite this to me over and over. He was also the one who told me to 'collect and select' men. I think he was afraid I would be involved with only ONE man too soon since I started having 'suitors' before I even turned 14. That's when courtship was an art. I hate to admit it, but he is right. Men are just naturally so laser-focused on their concerns and endeavors that its hard for them to really listen and put themselves in others' shoes. It's part of being who they are. An evolutionary necessity. As we inherently take care of home and hearth, they are out creating their niches. So my father is so right. If my man worships the ground I walk on, in all probability, I would be the muse of their endeavors--the reason for all they do. The balance MUST tip that way to fight the urge to focus on other things; to balance that instinct. Because as women, it is inherent in us to nurture and show affection. And we need to be reciprocated. So if you find a man who loves you so much consistently, constantly and without asking much from you, you've won the lottery. If you are the one doing the chasing, BEWARE. You will lose no matter what rationale you can come up with. There is no mistaking here. My father was right. He was so right. And I don't mind admitting it.

4. My spouse loves me no matter what I look like.

Again, this sounds wonderful! Its a wondrous declaration of true love. But my father used to tell me that it's a lot easier to love someone who looks and smells good. I used to scoff at this also because I believed love should know no boundaries. But my father is right again. Sure, my husband has cleaned up my puke when I was sick. He's seen me at my worst. And he still loves me. BUT I always put my make-up on nearly every morning. And I try to dress up pretty every day. And he appreciates it. I can be defiant and wear an oversized tee shirt and sweat pants at home to prove the point. But its still better to wear my skinny jeans and cropped sweater. Or my sexy nightgown. And it's still better to take care of myself and not let myself go and be obese. Looking good takes effort. Never give up. Never, never! My mama always said that I should take pride in my appearance. I used to rebel by wearing odd things. But she was right. So were the generations past. And it's still a good idea for always.

5. My parents don't understand me. We are a new generation and they don't get it.

Never before has the generation gap been properly bridged! We now listen to the same music its irritating. My father used to talk my teen vernacular and we used to laugh when he did that. But I was so relieved that he was so 'cool'. The information age I think has eliminated any generation gap and the only 'gap' that remains is the balance of years of experience  -- though sometimes the depth and breadth of experiences between generations can sometimes ease even that difference. So metaphorically, the difference between you and me is just a few paces away such that I have time to warn you and give you directions to avoid tripping, falling or losing your way since I've been there. My experiences are close to yours. And if I look back, I can remember how it was when I was in your shoes. So the biggest myth of all is that we don't 'get you'. Or that we don't know. Because we do.

It's important to assert independence...to cut off apron strings. But don't throw the baby out with the bath water. Such a cliched metaphor there I'm using but its imagery is spot on. It feels powerful and thrilling to be defiant and assert independence but... listen to your parents' counsels. A long time ago, parents used to arrange marriages. There were recent Time and National Geographic magazine articles that assert that arranged marriages have very high rates of success. Highly evolved cultures, even Biblical and scriptural accounts describe this practice. Well, perhaps there's something to be said about the value of such a practice---at least the value of heeding the counsel of wise, loving and righteous parents. Perhaps parents do know us better than we do ourselves. Now that my parents are old and gone, I ponder this possibility with great reverence. And now that I am a parent, I see things. I SEE things that can benefit my children. Perhaps this myth is the biggest one of all.

And though its really annoying to do so, I have to say that my parents were right all along....and I wished I had heeded and obeyed their counsels more seriously.

A Very Sad Day

Today, my heart was broken into a million pieces...

only a mother's heart can shatter this way.

Something inside me told me to do something to memorialize this day.
Things have to change.

 

Anak na kinandong sa duyan ng puso

Balisong na madulas at matalim

Salita at padapyas na isinawsaw sa dilim

Biniyak ang mundo ko sa bawat tingin

Di mo ba naaalala ang yapos ni nanay?

O ang tunog ng meme ko sa bawa't pikit mo?

Dasal at iyak sa Bathala't langit

Sa iyo lamang anak kong marikit!

Pikit na nanay, pikit na at matulog

Wala ka nang meme, himig o luha

Ni duyan o kandungan, himala o dasal

Kapag dugo ay mapagmalaki at salawahan

Things I Learned Standing on Grass

The year 2011 has been quite unsettling for me. The challenges are more subtle but relentless. Most of its impact have been internal. The challenges and conflicts are mostly within myself caused by variables that are, after careful deliberation, very universal. The solutions and remedies required can only be self-discovered since the challenges come from within. But nevertheless, these challenges within me have been brutal. Take note that I believe it's not a coincidence that 2011 is a prime number; a number divisible only by itself. (!) Being the over-analyst that I am, I find that fact a revelation that for some reason brings me some reassurance. 

They say that the grass is always greener on the other side. Mostly this notion has taken on quite a metaphoric gravitas on the way things have lined up this year. Mostly its because the internal strife that goes on inside me begs a reboot---a cleaning up of everything and a desire to replace everything with anything different. Because anything is better than the drought that has been building throughout the year. Truly, the grass I was standing on is less verdant than the other side. Or any side for that matter. I just wanted out. There is this dominating feeling that I need to 'move on' or 'move forward' or restart. Replace the old with the new.

There have been health challenges where I wished time would fly faster so that I can recuperate and bypass the pain and discomfort of being sick. I struggled with conquering the diabetes that has threatened my life-style. We've had financial setbacks that surprised us and adjustments had to be made. There were times when fear got the best of me. I was released from doing what I loved--teaching seminary. I never thought that would impact my life so deeply. There were many other challenges that I do not care to list. But nevertheless, my poor spirit was mostly dampened by fear, insecurity, doubt and endless worries. Like I said, the challenges themselves are universal and empirically are not devastating. But for some reason, my internal workings fail to give me perspective and calm in 2011. Perhaps the biggest challenge of 2011 regarding my own health has taken a larger toll. And all I wanted was a free pass so I can move on to other things.

Once, in a conversation with my daughter, I observed that she is in fact, in a very powerful position--a very enviable position. She posited that if 'they all' only knew, they wouldn't envy her. But empirically, the fact of the matter is, she IS in an enviable position regardless. I know because I've been there many times playing all the characters in her dilemma. And she just wants to move on. But I wish she would relish the powerful position she is in for a moment. For the moment that she's in it. It's temporary...and fleeting. That gave me some perspective because I feel anxious for the year to pass because for some reason, I have this illusion that things will suddenly change when the calendar reads 2012. I need to take stock because where I stand can also be an enviable position despite what I feel or think. Empirically, I am in a good place. Always have been.

In contemplating all this, I again pondered my position and all of 2011 where in every difficulty, I wished I were 'somewhere else'' rolling in greener grass than the one I stood on. That's when I realized that my old reliable yard is totally mine. I own it. It's been here for many winters and dry summers. And many happy events when it provided soft grass for tumbling and somersaults, grilling and play and the place where 'everybody' wished they could be.

Sometimes, in the process of trying to make my grass be as green and lush as it can be, it needs help. Sometimes, you need to pile on the shit. Sometimes, the manure burns. Sometimes you need to aerate and sometimes you can trip on the holes. But in time, the grass gets green again. It's the old reliable. And I always know when it's time to fertilize. We sometimes wish for something that's different--perhaps a new adventure that can be stimulating and thrilling because the grass is greener on the other side when we're in the middle of fertilizing or when the loneliness of winter's cold burns the green out. But if I am patient, the grass I stand on will get greener than the other side. It's all in the way we stand on our grass....on our side of the fence.